Beating it back

I'm having a small craving for... anything really, but right now, it's easier for me to think of what I don't want than anything I want to eat. After lunch I had a craving for something more and was hungry so I ate two oranges, but I don't feel guilty because now I'm full. Next time, maybe one orange will be enough.

I'm going to keep it up and reach two days binge-free.

Day two and feeling strong

I'm feeling really good today, living off yesterday's success I guess. I don't want to binge and can't think of anything I really want to eat. When I woke up, I wasn't in the mood for anything and actually had to think a while before I came up with something good for breakfast! That's a good start.

I'm having lunch at around noon I decided, that should be good. I'm also cooking something today and not eating for example chick peas straight out of the can (well, I usually pour them in a bowl but same thing different containers).

I like this feeling, strong and confident. I'm not feeling bloated or hungry - wonderful. Actually I lied, I love this feeling! I will remember this feeling and I will aim to feel it every day.

I'm going to make this day into another good one.

One day - I did it

I've made it one day! The funny thing is that I'm shocked. I was so sure that I would binge when they left that I actually had to go and stand in front of the fridge and stare at the contents for about five minutes until I realized that... I didn't want anything more. I had a good meal in the evening and I'm... satisfied. 

I'm proud of myself right now! But mostly...

After the cravings I've had all day, I'm shocked.

I'm dreaming of...

... toast and cucumber - how odd is that? And we can stack some pathetic on top of that because I'm trying to get myself to stop planning to eat that without end when the people I live with leave the house. Yes, I'm sneaking my binging and actually planning to binge when they leave. I'm longing for the food and that thought takes over and snakes into each other thought I have or should have. When I read a book, I'm at the same time thinking about different foods. When I watch a movie, go for a walk, talk to a person... study. I keep thinking about food.

I'm so nervous for a test I have this Tuesday and I had to book it sooner than I had thought because there were no other times for it. That and the fact that I've been sleeping horribly for the past few nights... I do think these are the things that push me to binge today. Now that I've sort of put a label on it, I actually seem to feel better. It's like a weight suddenly just lifted when I wrote the "why".

Is that the way to do it? To answer just one question? Why.

Just because I want to binge, it doesn't mean that I have to.

I will not binge today. I cannot binge today. New start, new start, new start...

New day - I can do this

I'm not feeling particularly certain that this day will be good, but it will be because I'm ready to fight for it. I hate this feeling and I will not let it consume me. I am strong enough to overcome these ridiculous needs.

Right now, I want yoghurt... and loads of it - what kind of weird craving is that? Yoghurt?! What's so great about them? They don't last, I will have eaten 4x125 grams in just a few minutes and then I will spend days regretting it. And still, knowing this, I want them?

Why... sadness because of what I can't seem to do. Master my own mind I guess. What kind of messed up logic in my head will make that connection? Overeating got me here and I want to solve it by... stuffing my face?

I don't think so.

I must be one of the best liars in the world

This is because I seem to be a pro at lying to myself. Every day for a year and a half have I said "tomorrow, I will start tomorrow and it will work". This deceiving phrase lost is meaning a long time ago. Each time I utter this to myself, I smile and then somehow think that it's okay to eat just a little more, today is the last day after all. Then it starts all over the next day.

I keep binging! How do I get out of this cycle? I work up some confidence! Even my sweatpants that I've been living in for the past week are starting to feel tight around the thighs - aren't they expanding over the time of wear and tear? And now they are starting to fit rather snugly around my growing legs. Only that these legs aren't growing in the normal direction, they are blowing up as if someone inserted balloons in them.

But the thing is, how can I stop saying "tomorrow" and "now"? Because that is what I have to believe to stop - right? I need to start somewhere so right now, this second, I'm starting over.

I wanted to be binge-free for next Saturday - I knew this three weeks ago, plenty of time to get rid of this bad habit. I knew this two months ago, too, this specific date... and here I am, only remembering the days with the traces of what I ate - there are a lot of those traces in form of empty cans, wrapping papers and boxes. Every time I eat, it seems to trigger me to want more - but I need to eat. It's just as dangerous not to eat.

Does anybody know how to get out of this? Because little by little, I can feel myself giving up.

But I'm not going to do that. I want to get better and be myself. This isn't me. It can't be - I know that it isn't! Last fall I had such a good two months where I ate normally and felt strong - how did I get back here?

Not only am I gaining weight and inches, I'm stressing so much about this that I'm not only eating my feelings and making it worse, but I'm actually waking up to a pillow filled with hair. I've never been a person to lose hair but lately, it's practically falling out in chunks!

Where do I find the strength? I really need it because I'm fading.

What is wrong with me?

Yesterday went so good - after three horrible days, I finally had one good and thought that it was a good start. Then today went great until noon when I stuffed my face with chick peas, chocolate bars and chocolate milk, fruit and whatever else I got my hands on. All in under 30 minutes and now I sit here... unsure of what happened. I feel confused and... nauseous. I even found myself in the bathroom, staring at my reflection and wondering how I can fix it.

I'm not one to make myself throw up or likewise, but sometimes I wish that I was that kind of person.

How sick is that?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't it be easy?

Why can't I just be my healthy self?

Will it work of I once and for all make a schedule on what I can and cannot eat in one day? If I make a journal that I need to stick to? I can try. I can try to every day plan my foods until I get into a healthy cycle again - will that help?

I need structure.

I need myself.

WHY, WHy,Why... why?

I had FIVE amazingly good days and then I spoil them just like that?! I lost it in one day. I traded five good ones for one that left me feeling nauseated and sick. Depressed.

I'm not looking for feeling fresh.

I hate this.
I hate this.

I hate this.

I can't believe that I'm doing it!

It's working - I'm actually doing this! Five days! It's been so long since I had five days without binging and now I've done it! I'm almost up a week! In two and a half weeks a great friend will come to town and I will not have binged by then either.
I get urges to eat, but they've actually lessened over time and I feel so strong and great right now! The longer I go, the easier it gets to fight the compulsion and each time I get close to binging, I remind myself that I've more to lose than I had a day or even two days ago.

I'm actually doing this!

I can't believe it!

FOUR days binge-free! I'm amazed. I wanted to binge today but it wasn't as hard as usual to say "no" to myself. I still find myself thinking about food with no end but not the way I used to.

I can't believe that I'm doing this!