Two days binge-free!

2012-02-13T20:05:00.002Z

The header says it all! I did it! Today I even helped to bake cookies and I didn't even get a urge to taste one, I didn't want one and I didn't have one.

Since this morning, I haven't had the urge to binge even once, I've eaten about every 3-4 hour and not been hungry between meals - I feel so strong right now.

I even got some bad news from my boss - I'm not living up to my potential on the social part of it but everything else is great. That little comment that's very important when it comes to my job almost broke me, I'm very emotionally unstable - but I didn't binge. I did it. It put a damper on today but still...

Today was a good day!

I'm two days binge-free! Every time I'm even thinking about binging, I imagine the header on this blog, I don't want to go back to "0" and I'm already up two. I won't ruin that.

I'm going to do this!

Day 3 and staying strong

2012-02-13T07:52:00.000Z

Yoga and breakfast and staying strong!

I hate that thought "if only I started a week ago"... or a month ago, or a year ago. But this is what I think every time I start - which has been every week and every day since I started to binge. However, I'm going to make it stick this time. And I know that thinking that way won't help me in any way... but I still wish.

But today I've another great start, a good breakfast and then yoga... I didn't want to start, I didn't want to continue but suddenly, I was finished with a fresh and strong feeling.

Everything will get better.

First of many days binge-free

2012-02-12T17:30:00.000Z

I did it! One day down! :D

I have been halfway to the fridge, I've stopped in door openings and hesitated whether or not I'm going to the fridge just to get something. But I never did, I've eaten healthy meals all day - five of them, and now I can say for sure that this is a good start! :D

I know that it will be a struggle, I've already acknowledged this, I know, but this is one small victory!

And my price for today will be that I'm one step closer to wearing my favorite spring coat in March without feeling on display

You can't win if you don't play the game.

Lunch

2012-02-12T12:53:00.003Z

I ate a bit too much - I ate about 2/3 of my meal before I felt full but I kept going until nothing was left. But I walked out of the kitchen without taking anything more, even when I wanted to. I wanted to take some nuts, I wanted chocolate and I wanted fruit. But I was full, more than, and I did it.

It sounds silly, right? Patting myself on the back for walking out of the kitchen when full without taking more food. But for me, this is a success. And I want to go back down, I want sweets and I want nuts - but I don't need it.

It feels so overwhelming, how much I seem to "want" to eat something that I really don't want. Why would my body tell me that I should eat when I'm full? When I'm feeling bloated and... why would I want to eat it? Right now, all I can think about is food - how can this be?

Could it be that something as little as eating a bit too much trigger me this badly?

But I am going to change the header of this blog to a counting of binge-free days. I'm not going to binge today and I'm going to be able to say that I've one down.

I can do this. I know that I can.

I'm going to win over myself.

2012-02-12T09:52:00.002Z

I'm smiling without reason. It's been a while since I last did that.

I'm aware of that it's going to be a struggle, but I feel good right now.

Good start.

I did it

2012-02-12T09:34:00.000Z

I just did my yoga, I didn't want to get started. I wanted to quit halfway through... not because I didn't enjoy it - because I certainly did, but I don't know why... I just didn't want to do it.

But I did. I did my hour of yoga and now I feel relaxed (this is a yoga DVD to detox and de-stress) and just... calm. In control, this is the feeling I always get after doing it. And when I'm done, it feels like I did it for five minutes and not an hour, it's just getting started and then keep going while my traitor brain try to sabotage me.

I'm now going to enjoy my apple. ;)

Around half past twelve should be the time I eat a good and balanced lunch.

You are the apple of my eye... dear apple.

2012-02-12T07:16:00.003Z

I have that feeling as if I'll throw up, sort of like when I had food poisoning and still all I can think of is sweets and that damned apple next to me. But I can do it. I'll just make it until 8:30 then I will do yoga for the last hours - and follow through, I'm going to do the entire hour, and then I'll eat the apple.

I know that I can do this but I think that I just want to eat the apple now to make myself depressed and "get" to eat a lot more.

I'm not going to let this happen.

Day 2 - breakfast

2012-02-12T06:59:00.001Z

Okay, today started 30 minutes ago and I think that I want to sabotage myself - work against that! I'll tell you, not a fun place to be in.

I'm quite full from yesterday, actually I'm painfully close to having a stomach ache, but I ate a good breakfast - bigger than I usually do. But hopefully will filling up a bit more in the morning as I used to do keep me from wanting to eat more in the afternoon. I used to eat a sturdy breakfast and then a snack about three hours later when I got hungry again. It takes the body about three hours to break down food so that's actually when I used to get hungry.
Then it's lunch, another snack and then a smaller meal for "dinner" or supper might be a better term for it. This is the way I grew up, except that I hate the usual breakfast cereal or toast in the morning, not dinner-like food.

Today's challenge is self-control. It might sound like nothing, but I'm going to carry around an apple until 9:30 when I can eat it. Just to push myself. I used to be able to buy a 200 grams bag of almonds and then eat about a handful - about 20 almonds or so, I would think - and then do that for days, once a day, until it was empty. Just a good snack that I loved. Today I can't stop, once I buy one bag I eat the entire thing in mere minutes. Those twenty used to last me for half an hour at times.

This was when I enjoyed food.

So, this apple will be proof that I'm still me, I know, silly. But it's the way that I'm going to do it. I can't eat it until 9:30.

I'm also going to do my yoga to relax, I loved doing that but after I had food poisoning two weeks ago, I stopped. When I got over the throwing up and nausea from that sickness, I started eating like a pig. I had been sort of binging for a few weeks but not in the way that I am now.

Time to figure out why I want to eat today, triggers. Was it because I liked my breakfast - no, I hardly tasted it. It's as if I need to learn how to eat again.
Boredom? Just after waking up? No, I don't think so.
Then we have sadness, do I feel like I could start crying? Yeah, sort of. I let myself down yesterday. But we weren't born without eyes in the back of our head for no reason, we are not supposed to always look back, just turn to see the good things. So I will let it go and instead do the corny "I'm going to smile for my future" thing.

My biggest trigger is probably sadness/disappointment in myself. And I get stuck in a circle... but I'll change this now. I will make today into a good one and then have something to feel better about.

Today will be a good day because I'll make it into one.

2012-02-11T22:59:00.000Z

For you who know these feelings, this wavering control isn't unusual. This need to eat something we don't want when we aren't hungry even a little bit. This fantasizing about different foods and catching ourselves halfway to the fridge.

For you who believe that we are weak or silly, that it's just deciding that we don't want to eat and that's that... I don't know how to explain it. I would probably not have understood it completely three years ago... why it would be so hard not to eat when you're stuffed and nauseous. That food seems to invade your mind when you don't need it.

Have you ever felt guilt over eating too much? Maybe after Thanksgiving, that completely stuffed feeling, put that fullness to every day, that guilt from eating that extra bit of pie to four more whole pies and then add that to every day. Or that one time you think "what the heck" and take another serving of chocolate cake, except that this one time can be several times every day and soon you are not even tasting it and definitely not enjoying the feeling to come.

I never enjoy food anymore, I don't have that "outer-body experience" that some bingers say that they get... I just feel hate towards myself, before eating, during eating and after eating.

This is why I'm not going for the fridge, however, this is why I'm writing. I'm cashing the overeating in and instead I'm overwriting. I don't care if anybody reads it or not, if you think that you can find strength in my battle, use it, but I come to decisions by writing them down. This is what I'm doing here and now.

I'm making a decision.

I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul.

Haha, it must be some kind of a record

2012-02-11T22:36:00.000Z

Already, chocolate has invaded my brain - and I don't even like it! It's been a couple of minutes since I stopped writing and already, my mind is bored and searching for something to do - something to eat.

But I won't. I can't. Instead, I will focus on the game of FreeCell that I've put up next to the movie on my computer and not on the fact that I'm hiding in my room on a Saturday night and having a marathon in self-loathing.

I don't need chocolate. I don't even like chocolate. Why would I eat it?

Good question.

I'm trying to ignore the part of my brain that instantly comes up with suggestions, beans, yoghurt, cereal, pasta, toast, nuts - the list is endless.

It usually takes me a week to get rid of the need for sugar, if I make it one week without sweets, it will be fine. I will be fine.

I can do it.

2012-02-11T22:05:00.001Z

I will need to find my triggers, ironically I believe that binge-eating is one thing that trigger binge-eating.

I figured that I could maybe make a list, why not start with my personal favorite:

Boredom - This is actually quite interesting, when I eat because I've nothing better to do. Most of the time, I actually do have better things to do with my time but I can't stop thinking about food and this takes up time. It always ends with me staring into thin air until I'm eating. Although, while eating I enjoy watching TV - I never eat without watching TV or reading. (this connects with motionlessness)
Sadness - I'm an incredibly emotional person and I'm working on not taking every little fallback or comment so hard, but I'm my own worst enemy and these days I make myself cry. I'm the biggest bully in my life. When I'm sad, I eat.
Happiness - Now we've really come full circle, don't you think? I eat when I'm happy, I do believe this is some deep rooted need to make myself miserable because of this disorder I've sort of given myself - I'm punishing myself by making it worse.
Stress - A classic. My stress is triggered by not only my daily high-speed life but also stress over the fact that ~~I have to stop binging~~. This I want to solve with yoga - it was when I stopped doing this every morning that my eating got worse.
Motionlessness - I used to be an incredibly active person, so sitting still actually makes me long for something to do (this is closely related to boredom, but not fully) and I end up eating.
To keep focus - I eat when I need to focus to "keep my energy up", although this is turned into an excuse, not a fact.

I don't know if there are more of these, but the six of those are the biggest ones. The ones I've figured out and the ones I'm now going to try and solve.

The boredom I'll try to solve with more activities, with I will work in with the motionlessness, too. Sadness - I'm going to have to stop bullying myself and letting myself get beat down by words that might not even be directed towards me, by snickers I think myself hear or glances that might be at the clock and not my body. Happiness... why ruin it?
To keep focus... this is a harder one, because before I started binge-eating, I actually did eat while studying or working to keep focus, always nuts and raisins, but not the amount that I today engorge. I guess that I'll just have to either stop this - coffee has proven to be even worse to my health so I won't go back to that - or find that self control I used to be known for, even if it's just for four hours per day while I'm flipping through books and writing reports.

Do you know your triggers?

11 February 2012

2012-02-11T21:39:00.000Z

Hi,

Today started out a bit odd, I've been on an emotional roller-coaster for the last couple of days - that time of the month - and this day it was cramps.

I started the day with eight clementines and two 125 grams yoghurts - in about 15 minutes I had stuffed my face with this. It might not seem like a lot calorie-wise - for some, a lot for others, but it's the way I eat it that's frightening to myself.

I was so grossed out by myself that I didn't eat a thing for hours and hours, I just laid in bed and hid, feeling bloated and awful. What a great way to spend a sunny Saturday, right?

Then I figured that I needed to take a healthy lunch so around 15:30 I made myself a salad and it was good... on the way out of the kitchen I grabbed two clementines - feeling a bit ashamed but it's only two - right?

Except now all I could think of was when the rest of the household went out for the evening, would I be able to keep myself out of the kitchen if it wasn't healthy meals? And what would I want to eat? What would I want to stuff my face with? My obsession with food isn't that I enjoy them, on the other hand I actually don't like the sugar in the chocolate or candy.

I ended up getting a yoghurt, one never hurt, it was actually good. The three others I then ate wasn't as good. Nor was the several handfuls of nuts I practically inhaled. Or the raisins, or the chocolate... or lollipops.

I slipped, and it happened so quickly that it wasn't until afterwards I was overcome with that feeling again.

The one where I can almost feel my body growing, I can feel my thighs expanding and my stomach bloating. The nausea and the guilt.

The "I'll do better tomorrow" chants in my head that sounds to empty now.

But then it hit me.

What do I find impossible to do?

Disappoint others. So I then realized, if I don't love myself enough to do this for me, I can do this for others. Because if there's one thing I simply can't handle, it's letting others down.

So if there's someone out there who's a fellow binge-eater and looking for inspiration in the fact that you are not alone. I will do this to show you that it's possible.

It's pathetic that I would rely on you this much, it's weak and it's selfish. But it's the only way I know how to get started.

It's not healthy or wise, but it's something.

I now give you full disclosure to my success and to my mistakes.

I'm not trying to lose weight with this blog, if I do, that's just a byproduct to the big picture, the goal I have to start eating healthy. To find a way back to the things I love and stop doing this to myself.

This blog goes against everything that I am, I never show my true feelings if they aren't happy and inspiring to others, I never tell anyone about my eating, I don't expose myself to others hurtful comments, nor do I take compliments. I don't talk about myself with others or use them.

What am I doing here?

I hope that you won't hate me but let me give something back to you.

All my love.